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#healing

Trigger warning: suicide. I haven't talked about this to anyone in this much detail but you all get it so here I go: October 5th the worst day of my life. The puffiest eye day of my life. The morning of I planned a whole day for my bf Jack to do things he loved. All of these were in and around the area my family lived but I didn't go to the house. My mom told me everyone was going to twins' the soccer game so I didn't think anyone was home. At like 4 pm I got a call from my sister saying that I needed to come home right now and that something happened to dad in the pool and my mom said that Jack should drive. The 12 minutes of suspense as Jacks sped from my apt to my parent's house. We pulled into the culdesac and there were police cars and ambulances in the driveway. I ran into my neighbor and childhood friend before I reached the house and all she and the cops said was I'm so sorry. It was the fucking classic movie scene: "I'm so sorry, there was nothing we could do, it was too late." Those words are ingrained in my mind. I got inside the house and my sisters were literally screaming and soaking wet and my mom told me to take care of them. I literally had no idea what was happening, that day felt so slow motion and sped up at the same time. Finally, someone told me that my dad was wearing a backpack full of rocks and drowned in our pool. To this day we don't know if it was suicide or if he accidentally fell in. The irony of it all is that we grew up in that pool, having summer parties, my dad teaching us how to swim, so many happy memories ruined. I asked the cops and paramedics if I could see him and they said no because they were investigating what happened. I never got to see them and I don't know if I would feel more closure or worse. That night was the worst night of my life. The next day, in grief, I cleaned our whole old gazebo, crying and screaming. That night we were supposed to go to America's got talent and we still went because my dad was excited about it, when we got there we were given front row seats. I think it was my dad making it happen.