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I had a hard day today. A hard week really. I’ve been having dreams about my cousin not bad ones. Ones I’m not going to publicly share out of respect for his wife and her healing process 🥺💔 I’ve experienced anxiety attacks that are so bad that a couple of times I was getting sharp pains in my chest Finally I realized I hadn’t eaten in 5 days and it was probably a caffeine (coffee, Red Bull, Bc Powder, excedrin), overload, and that, combined with trying to navigate these murky waters of grieving, was literally breaking my body down! I didn’t know what the anxiety attacks were until I talked to my therapist and my grief counselor. I thought I was having heart attacks. Feels like a weighted vest is on my chest. My heart starts beating funny. I can’t catch my breath. I got hot, dizzy, faint, and the chest pains. But it’s so odd. I’ve been taking screenshots of my Lock Screen. Almost every time I look at my phone I see what I believe are called “angel numbers?” These are just from today! Somebody tell me what this means. Maybe I’m just grasping for anything that will help me connect the dots. Meaning. Logically I know he’s gone. I’ve intellectually processed that. But emotionally I haven’t caught up. My emotional mind & logical mind are in two separate places. I just need them to align. Cus I can’t cope the way I did over the last week. I was so afraid of the anxiety attacks that I wouldn’t go to sleep. I was skipping my antidepressants (they help me sleep as well), because I thought my heart was gonna stop so I was up some nights until the sun came up and some nights didn’t sleep at all! Things that I didn’t think would freak me out are literally keeping me stuck in the house out of fear. Being a car low to the ground (not a truck), dark roads at night or winding roads, I’m afraid to talk on the phone in the car even as a passenger even on Bluetooth. It’s just too much. Look at my IG STORY FOR THE REST
Quick reminder to myself. To pick myself back up again. This has always been my outlook. I just lost sight for a while. Ladies. Don’t wait on love from anybody else. Don’t wait for a man. That’s waiting on a proposal. Waiting on a wedding. Waiting on motherhood. Women are expected to wait for everything! While we wait, we’re expected to give everything we got. Go to work & give a hundred percent. Date a man & give a hundred percent to prove that we’re worthy of being a wife & mother, wait for him to love you the way you know yourself to be worthy of while he decides for you if you’re the one. Work non stop give a hundred percent, but wait for a much needed vacay. All the time, we’re working and waiting. He not sending you on vacay with your girls sis, he not buying you a car, or diamonds, he not investing in you or your business, he not payin your bills, he not buying you no bags, he not paying for your hair or nails lashes or brows, he not throwing you no big bday party, he not planning celebratory dinners for your wins or accomplishments, while he and the rest of the world got you waitin while they take everything from you that you got to give. Give it to yourself. Your turn is now. Take it. Do for you. Love you. Wine you. Dine you. Treat yourself. No more waiting. My way or no way. Me first. Give me all or nothing. Or don’t. But if you don’t, just know I can give it to myself. You’re useless and I’m invaluable and I don’t need you or anyone else to tell me so. #respectfully the world is mine ❤️🥰