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Spring has sprung and for the first time in my whole life I’m looking around me- at new things growing, little blooms, baby animals shaking their baby animal butts. Maybe it’s because I’m turning thirty five (35!? What!? I feel 14 most days. I don’t usually brush my hair. And I am not immune to spending forty minutes looking in the mirror at emerging crows feet and the new droop of my breasts but that’s for another caption... long story short, I love it...) Maybe it’s because I’ve found myself in rural England with minimal cell phone reception and maximal farm life. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that forcing a daily practice of gratitude has actually shifted into a reality of gratitude. They say you can form habits. I never believed it. I was a bed creature with a naturally glass half empty attitude upon waking up and the sun upset my vampire eyes. Often, I led with my trauma and fear. But living through and past some dark days required a shift in perspective, and my appreciation of being right where I am when I’m there- doing what I love to do, with old collaborators and new love surrounding me- is so big it fills me even on cold nights on set and mornings where my arthritic bones ache and I’m homesick or in conflict or feeling like a scared imposter. Emotions come and go like weather, but the gratitude stays put like this Medieval architecture. To quote modern punk poet Brody Dalle, “It hit me/I got everything I need.” Always did.
I've always been a fluctuator, but it wasn't until I got into my thirties and had a hysterectomy that I started to really settle into my adult body and- spoiler alert- she wasn't a size 4. Gone were the days I could keep a pair of too-small jeans then decide to subsist on coffee for six days in order to get them back on, and gone were the days that I wanted to. Instead, I yearned to find some peace and sustainability in my body. I valued my mental and physical health over an outdated image of how I thought I'd look at this age (Holly Golightly meets Courtney Love) or numbers on a scale (haven't weighed myself in several years, turn around when they do it at the doctor, broke up with that metric when it became a ceaseless brain worm.) But once I was firmly in my plus-sized body, I started to look around at the fashion landscape and realized that the perceptions of bigger bodies- that we want to dress like grandmas, rockabilly chicks or club divas- are whack as hell. In truth there are as many variations of plus-sized girls as there are straight-sized girls. We want what you want, and we want it how you want it. My goal with these looks for @11honore was that they would have the energy of the artist women I grew up around in downtown New York, free thinkers who leaned into masculine suiting but also loved to play with feminine shapes, who made their way from the studio to the flower market on 14th street to pick up their kids, then out to the Public Theater and need to layer and function. But those vintage-inspired looks tend to exist in slim cuts for waifs, and I don't want any plus woman to wonder if she'll fit into these clothes. I know that I for one never want to pray as I pull up a pair of jeans again- what a useless thing to pray about. I'm so excited for these @11honore styles to finally be available to shop online, and can't wait to see you in them. Please, for the love of a God greater than I, tag us and show us how you're wearing the pieces, tell me how they make you feel, and tell me about your journey with fashion and your body. I'm listening. Link in bio. #11HxLD
I've been a size 4 on the red carpet and a size 16- I wish I could say that the experience of getting dressed was the same, but it's just not. When you're thin- no matter the reason- there's a kind of inherent nod of congratulations that comes from being able to fit into runway samples and look the part of a Hollywood starlet. And while some designers have embraced my plus size body, there's always the inherent implication by others that by doing so they have bravely risen to some kind of "challenge" (and that I'm brave simply for coming out in this body, dressed in a way that doesn't hide in shame.) I've also often wondered- when designer outfits I've worn have been mocked or ripped apart- whether the same look on a more mainstream fashion body might be celebrated as a "lewk" (after all, many of these outfits have lived gloriously on the pages of major fashion magazines etc.) This collaboration with @11honore was about wanting to cultivate a space where the question of whether a plus body will be embraced by the clothes is a non-issue, and the clothes are not demanding that a plus woman hide. I know that some of the times I've wanted to hide most were when I was in a body that didn't feel like mine, and that body (for me, this is just me) is one where I've lost weight due to illness, sadness or both. To have that treated as some kind of fashion statement was heartbreaking, but to find a way to express my gratitude to the plus women who have inspired me to feel at home in my curvy complex body is such a gift. I'm so proud of this exclusive collection I've been working on with my family at @11honore, and thrilled for you to finally see it. To get the latest on launch updates and to pre-shop the collection, click the link in bio. #11HxLD